An entry about stress.

November 20, 2012

I don’t have too much that I have to say today. Things are alright. Well, kind of. I’m just constantly stressing and I’m honestly sick and tired of it. I feel like I wake up and I’m just instantly stressed. It’s always money. Money, money, money. I feel like a failed mother because I probably won’t be able to give my children the Christmas that they deserve this  year. I feel like even more of a failure because we’re considering moving in with D’s parents just so we can save money. I guess that’s what this blog really is about though. Me, trying to make a love nest with my family. How am I supposed to make a “home” in somebody elses house? Besides the fact that D’s father and I are always on and off and at the moment I believe that we’re off. He actually makes everybody tense when he’s around. Even D’s mother. It’d be real hard to live with a man such as himself. Thick headed, know-it-all who only thinks about himself. I mean, I’m stubborn and all but this man has got me beat. How am I supposed to live with somebody like that? It’s just very frustrating.

Onto other things..

My friend Jetterbug will be spending the night with us on Wednesday. I’m pretty excited about that. I’ve been such a shitty friend this year and I feel horrible about it. I’ve just kind of isolated myself and I’d like to blame this depression that seems to be forming ontop of stress, stress, stress. I just have a tendency to push people away when my life seems to be getting too tough. I don’t like to drag other people into my bullshit. I just don’t. So pushing seems like the only other logical thing to do. On the other hand, I hate that I’m doing this because I’m left with nobody. Yes, I have D and the kids. Yes, I have family members. But for one, D already knows how I feel about most things and secondly, I can’t talk to my family about anything. Don’t get me wrong, I love them with all of my heart but they are a bunch of drama starters and basically feed off of other peoples misery. It’s only as of late that I started speaking with my mother again. Why we stopped talking? I don’t even know this time.

My mother is a whole ‘nother story though. I truly believe though (and I’ve thought very long and hard about this) that she’s the reason why I won’t let myself get close with my sister. I get to a certain closeness and then I seem to push her away. I honestly can’t help it. I believe she did this by always making my younger sister out to be her favorite. Screw that, she didn’t make her out to be, she IS my mothers favorite. She has always told me that she wouldn’t allow herself to get close to me because I remind her too much of my father. I mean, how could anybody tell their five year old daughter that? Besides the fact that my sister has always gotten special treatment from her and I usually got the shaft.

I think I need therapy.

Or sleep. Everything is perfect when I’m dreaming.

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One Response to “An entry about stress.”

  1. I’m super excited to see you. 🙂 🙂 🙂 [super excited faces]. I would be more than happy to support your decision to go to therapy, I feel like I need some myself these days. I feel like I’m losing it. With some very much needed chill time with you, I feel that we may both feel a bit better after that. 😀 You are NOT a shitty my love. Everyone goes through shit. Sometimes that shit lasts longer than we expect. I have not been the greatest friend either. Believe that. We need to both hop back on that horse and give a go one more time. We both deserve it. I love you. I will see you tomorrow. ❤ ❤

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