I will be pure. Like snow, like gold.

December 12, 2012

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It’s twelve in the morning and Jet is fast asleep. I feel as if she was acting a little weird tonight. More distant. It’s fine just different and not expected.

Dj left again Monday morning to head back to Jersey to work. The time spent with him this past time wasn’t as great as it should’ve been. This time around had drama. Family drama, of course. It’s always the same bullshit about money. I told you, money is the root of all evil. So, he left. Today he’s been nothing but (Yet again, distant. Shocker!) and mean. I’m sick of feeling like in order for him to be okay with me being alone, I have to be miserable. I have to be crying every second of every day in order for him to feel secure about the situation. That’s just selfish. I can’t spend my days moping around the house in front of the kids. That’s just ridiculous! The kids don’t deserve that and I don’t deserve this treatment. He acts like he’s fifteen too because even at the slightest chance of an argument the first thing he says is, “Fine. Break up with me then.”. Because breaking up is obviously the answer to everything. Ugh. I really hate what dj is letting happen to this relationship because of this job. Yet again there is absolutely nothing I can do about it.

I feel so alone most of the time. I’m actually starting to feel like a single parent as well. I don’t let the kids see my pain. How can I? They make me smile and feel better just by looking at me. They make everything better and worthwhile. And although, knowing this, I’m still the saddest little duck. Not even about the whole Dj bullshit. Just with life as a whole. Doing the same routine, not having my own vehicle and having to rely on others for rides and favors, being broke except for Dj’s unemployment money, the fact that my back is just going to get progressively worse and never better, (although I love him more than anything) Jude’s ridiculous temper tantrums, my physique, bills, bills, and more bills, how no matter how often or hard I clean that this house doesn’t ever feel like a home. The list goes on and on. I hate the fact that I’ve turned this journal into a bitchfest. But I don’t like to talk to others about my problems because I hate putting my burdens onto somebody else. So why not dump all of my negativity into here? Nobody reads this damn thing anyway.

I just wish life were more, uh, 1800’s minus any negativity. Just simple. That’s what I am. Simple. I just want a farm, with my kids, and with someone who truly loves me and doesn’t just want me to be miserable because they are. A few animals. Maybe two of each species. I do better with even numbers. A dainty but self sustained house. Simple. No god damn complication. S i m p l e.

Oh and in the midst of all of this bullcaca Elijah turned four months old. Well, four months going on 10! This may be an extremely biased opinion but I believe he’s way advanced for his age. Has been rolling since the beginning of three months, eats baby food like a pro and can already sit up, unassisted, for a period of time. Needless to say, I’m a proud mama.

Jude on the other hand has been off the walls. He doesn’t listen to one word that I have to say. It’s gotten so bad that I’ve started feeling like the world’s worst mother. I don’t want to yell and I definitely don’t want to hit, talking to him about it doesn’t seem to help, distracting isn’t working either. Nothing seems to be. I know it’s his age. It’s just been a rough one.

It’s now twelve thirty-eight am. Slightly more sleepy than I were before. That’s what it’s been like. On and off awake during the night/early morning. Mostly on. Even when Elijah is sleeping soundly in his crib, I’m awake. I believe my nerves are shot.

Anyway, photos from the past..whenever:

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Fin.

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4 Responses to “I will be pure. Like snow, like gold.”

  1. I love you Manda. With all of my heart. Im sorry I seemed distant the other night. School finals really take a huge chunk out of my soul for two weeks. Im trying to get a good GPA and get into Arizona State University. Once this crap is over I will have more time to hang out and help you. I know its not the same without D around but I will do my very best. I will have almost a whole month to seperate my time and make sure you are taken care of. Jude will calm down. He’s a rambuncios little guy, but he’s testing Mamas patience. Forever and always my dear. – Jetterbug

    • It’s not your responsibility to see that we’re taken care of but thank you for being here anyway. I say this all the time but I’m super grateful to have you in our lives. You’re a great person! We love you very much!

  2. Its my responsibility as your best friend to make sure you are happy. Period. 😀 Love you boooboo. See you soon I hope

  3. Where have you been? 😦

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