One step forward, five steps back.

January 26, 2013

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I’m not sure if I’ve ever written in here before about this but I suffer from depression. Which makes me feel even worse because I have a lot to be thankful for. You see, it’s like this, think of the smallest of problems, like, spilt milk. Everybody else would just clean it up and that’d be that but for me it’s like losing a pet or something way more dramatic. I over analyze to the point where I end up having nervous breakdowns.  For the past few days my depression has kicked in to full drive and I’ve been one big sappy mess.

I look at my children and think to myself, “Why do I feel like this? They’re perfect.”. They are. I just can’t stop the overwhelming feeling of sadness. I’ve went to therapists in the past and yes, I’ve tried the medication but although my depression did seem to decrease a little, other side effects came into play. A big one was insomnia. As all mothers know, we need as much sleep as we can get! So I stopped taking the medication which was good anyway because a month after I found out I was pregnant with Elijah.

Money is always a real big factor when it comes to my depression as well. No matter what we do, how much we save, how much we go without to save, it never seems good enough. We’re just working to keep a roof over our heads, food in our mouths and bills paid. I want to be able to take Jude to these kid play places to play with other kids but we can’t even afford the measly twenty dollars it would cost to enter. I know I’m going to have to work my butt off but since everything seems to be at a standstill right now it’s just hard to fathom that we’ll even ever get to the point that we want.

Bottom line, I’ve been having a rough couple of days emotionally. I’ll get better. I have to.

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